Love and money: tips from Elfin and Preferred Banking

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Lieke: “It’s a tricky subject. I’ve been with Wieger for twenty years – we’re married. But when I met him, money wasn’t the first thing I thought to discuss. So when I heard we’d be talking about this, I thought: why do you have to make agreements about money? And which ones should you make?”

Joëlle: “I can imagine that’s the last thing you think about when you first get together. You don’t have to, either. But when you start talking about committing to one another, that’s the time to make agreements – especially if you’re going to be renting together. The same goes if one of you owns a house and the other moves in. Those are moments to open the conversation.”

Joëlle: “It takes some courage, but don’t make a big thing of it. Keep checking in on each other. You don’t need to have one, long talk. Your life is always changing – whether in terms of your job or family situation. Try to normalise talking about it.

Having shared goals, like a holiday or something for the house, is important. Working towards the same goal helps you to understand each other better, as you’ll know what’s important for your partner and why they think the way they do.”

Lieke: “I had to make an effort to understand why certain things were important or uncomfortable for him.”

Joëlle: “It’s okay to have different opinions, as long as you keep communicating.”

Joëlle: “There are three common methods:

• the 50/50 split, with each of you paying half the expenses. That’s usually what happens if both partners earn roughly the same.
• Proportionally: if you earn 60% of the total income, you pay 60% of the shared expenses. However, the partner on lower earnings often ends up with less cash overall.
• The ‘pocket money’ method: everything goes into one pot, and you use that for fixed costs, investments and things like groceries. You split whatever is left at the end of the month between yourselves.

The Dutch National Institute for Family Finance Information (Nibud) says the pocket money method is the fairest way.”

Joëlle: “If you live together, you could enter into a cohabitation agreement. This sets out your monthly outgoings, expenses and who owns your home. It also includes less pleasant things like what happens if you split up, or if your partner is entitled to a partner’s pension.

You can also decide to get married or enter into a civil partnership, in which case, you have three options:

• Since 2018, new marriages are in limited community of property. This basically means that everything you owned before the marriage or civil partnership remains yours, and everything you subsequently acquire will be communal property.
• In general community of property, everything owned before or after the marriage belongs to you both.
• A prenuptial agreement, in which you set out in detail what belongs to you and your partner.

Whichever format you pick, it’s important that it feels right for both of you.”

Joëlle: “It isn’t an enjoyable thing to discuss – nobody gets married to get divorced. But you need to realise that it could happen, which is why it’s essential to talk about it. You can protect each other now from problems in the future. Rather than thinking about yourself, think: what do you want for your partner? Getting these agreements down in writing provides peace of mind, since you know everything will be fine even if you split up.

76% of women worldwide find themselves financially unprepared when their partner passes away. They’re simply unaware of their financial situation. My heartfelt advice is to make sure you know what’s going on.”

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